As I am sure you'll be relieved to know, there is now scientific proof that "beer goggles" actually exist. That's right - someone paid somebody else to study the well-known fact that when people drink, they make bad choices in sex partners (although "bad" is a relative term - my first and third marriages owe quite a bit to the liberal application of Arbor Mist).

To the person who funded this study: Consider this my application for several hundred thousand dollars to investigate if there's any correlation between eating a whole Little Ceasar's $5 Pizza Pizza and being forced to lay down on the bed to zip my jeans. Or if you prefer, I will take the cash and thoroughly research the question of whether or not prayer is really necessary to improve the mood of a middle-aged woman who gets to have sex in Bali with Javier Bardem. My theory is that if said woman did pray, that's what she was asking for anyway. Thank you.

Countless dollars could have been saved for such a study if the researchers in question listened to something besides NPR; the fact is that country music has been documenting the relationship between alcohol consumption and coyote ugly hook-ups for decades. Willie Nelson, that grizzled sage of country music, once warbled poetically that he "Went Home With a 10, and Woke Up With a 2", while Mickey Gilley once commented thoughtfully on the phenomenon of how "All The Girls Get Prettier At Closin' Time". More recently, Neal McCoy very emphatically declared that "Billy's Got His Beer Goggles On" (wherein said test subject dances with bar stools). The marriages and progeny that often result from these events provide subject matter for the rest of the songs you hear on country radio, making "beer goggles" a necessary tool for artistic expression.

While it may initially seem that the brief relationships that result from this level of inebriation are viewed as a negative outcome, the fact is that for many people (myself included), such occurrences are a more positive experience. Sexual partners who would normally be unavailable to us become attainable, providing us with fantasy and / or blackmail material for the rest of our lives.

So...can anybody tell me where Javier Bardem is having cocktails these days? He's needed for an important scientific experiment...

Posted: Friday, Aug 20 2010 at 11:59 AM
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